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What you see on Facebook is the “glitter”. It’s the icing on the cake. You rarely see the mess that is made while that cake is baking. You don’t see the flopped mess of a cake that went in the trash before the “improved” version appeared, while still far from perfect. Most of us like to show the highlight real.
While I certainly love the life I’m living, I think it’s important to share that the struggle escapes nobody.
In 2007, I lost everything. Businesses, Houses, Cars, My self-esteem – Market crashed, and we spent a ridiculous amount of time in the casinos (Living in Vegas can get you!)
I began fighting to recover. I know I’m not alone in that story of self-destruction.
In 2009, I almost didn’t wake up. Filled with enough prescription medication to kill a horse, I was barely waking up in the morning. Somehow, I always managed to get my sh** together and function at a high level.
In 2010, I joined KW and began fighting to rebuild. My marriage was a mess, but I was fighting. I was fighting to feed my family, to grow a brand, to pay the IRS, and so forth.
Even when things began to improve financially, I was fighting.
The next 7 years was a daily fight, trying to save a broken marriage, that I wanted DESPERATELY to hold on to. I fought with everything I had in me. It was exhausting.
Somehow I was able to cope, stay off the medication and out of the casinos. I got HUGE, but otherwise did OK.
In 2016, I held my grandfather as he died. My first loss. It broke our hearts.
In 2016, My husband, who as bad as things were, I believed always loved me, said he was only in our marriage (of 25 years) for our daughter. In other words, he didn’t want me.
Devastated, I left.
Now, I was fighting to survive. I was fighting to hold on to some level of dignity. I was fighting to stay strong even though I wanted to crumble. I was fighting to look at my face in the mirror every day even though it was a face that couldn’t be loved, by the one person I thought truly did.
I was fighting the IRS. I was fighting the fact that I was in a “role” I didn’t want to be in professionally.
In 2017, 1 of my 2 living grandmothers died. I didn’t know her. It was still a loss especially since we hadn’t experienced losing grandparents.
In 2018, I was by my Grandmother’s bedside for days as she died. Our family broke. You know those good ol’ family dynamics! It brought my adult daughter and I much closer though, that was a positive. We fought, together.
I’ve been a single mother now since 2016 raising my teenager alone. Supporting her alone. I fight to be a strong example, to be a provider, and to teach her how strong we can be regardless of “what happens” in life. I always share that life happens FOR us, not to us.
In 2018, I fought for my health and shed 50 pounds.
I’ve fought to build people up, to provide opportunity, and to care extra for people wherever I can.
I’ve fought to “fit” – although that one I’ve finally let go of. Cause I don’t – fit. And that’s OK.
I feel like after all of these years of fighting, that it’s time to breathe. To let go. To enjoy the work I love.
I love teaching. I love “speaking”. I love traveling. I love marketing.
As much as I love growth, I don’t want to fight for it anymore. I want it to be a natural part of who I am and what I do without “angst”.
I don’t want to “fight” the fact that I’m alone and shouldn’t have been. That I should have been at my daughter’s play tonight with the man that helped birth her instead of having to go on 2 different nights because we don’t speak.
I’m tired of fighting the fact that I’m disruptive, that I laugh too hard, and I never know the time or the day of the week.
I’m finally in that place I’ve craved to be professionally.
I’m giving the “fighter” a break. It’s time for space, It’s time for travel, It’s time for joy, It’s time for PEACE.