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Divorce changed everything. I’ve gotten more courageous with some things and more afraid of others. I’ve taken on many new challenges and choose not to take on others. It’s brought out the best in me and has also hidden some of the best in me.
Over the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching. I’ve studied my own reaction to things and made notes of where I believe I show up “best” and worst. I now try to live in that “best”. On a professional level, I’m more confident in myself than ever. On a personal level, I now doubt myself more than ever.
I’m happy almost every day because I have found what matters most to me and I live in “that” and not much else beyond it.
Man, my life today compared to 5 years ago today is unrecognizable. I can’t even believe I’m in the same lifetime it’s so different.
And I’m not saying that was bad either, but POLAR opposite to today.
In some ways, I feel like I aged a decade and in other ways, I’m 10 years younger.
I’m slower and faster but in very different ways. The things i cared about then, mean nothing to me today. And the things I care about today I would have laughed at 5 years ago today.
I think me 5 years ago would call me today “old”, and maybe even “sad”. Me today would call the 5-year-old ago “egotistical and childish”. Really, she was just scared and fighting to hold on to the reality she knew.
Sometimes we hold on with everything we have because it’s all we know. We can’t see what’s on the other side because we aren’t there yet.
On most days, I hate the way I look. On most days I love the way I feel. Interesting right?
Today, I don’t have the awards or the stage. But I feel more successful than I ever have.
I miss a lot of things about being married. I also relish so much about being independent. Not single. I don’t like that word. I don’t like that “phase”. I love independent. That’s how I look at it. Not married, Not Single – Independent!
I do hope that the future has me paired with someone to love and travel and celebrate life with. Sure. And at the same time, I’m immensely grateful for today and for this time to self-study, grow, learn and live in such a peaceful place.
You should see me dance as I make coffee in the morning. There is just something so amazing about living the life you choose.